I’m living in California.
*que internal mix of excitement and fear*
To be honest, all I’ve wanted to do was to write about it and to begin to synthesize my life into lessons. However, I’ve never felt more distant from my writing than I am now. Despite my urge to share everything and to blast it from the rooftops how big a move this was (and is), I’ve had to drag myself to my laptop, and will my fingers to type to begin processing.
There are so many reasons why it’s been so hard for me to sit down and write about this transition:
- I don’t have a nice lesson to tell you. We moved Sunday, September 1st, stepped off the plane to become residents and that was it. The sun set on Sunday and then it was Monday. Although it may have seemed like a huge move for my sister and I, to me, in a lot of ways, it wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, there has been a lot of adjusting. But theres a strange normalcy thats settled after we had our week of tourism; I’m ready to make this place home and the novelty of a move isn’t what drives me.
- There’s a big part of me that believes no one misses me. I know, for all my therapist friends out there diagnosing me, I am showing my insecure side. But honestly, even though I have such great and awesome friendships in Florida, a part of me believes I wasn’t that significant. There’s still a part of me that after years of inner healing, self care, seasons of confidence and all, that doubts my value in the lives of others. That combined with actual “can’t-hop-in-the-car-and-visit-you” distance, has created a strange disconnect in my heart. Obviously, I know my friends do actually care for me especially after the handfuls of “praying for you” texts and the constant encouragement (thank you Phil Dowling!). Despite it all, that feeling of being insignificant still remains.
- I don’t have a set routine. Between figuring when to work (which is a new thing in and of itself) and figuring out where to live, finding a church, and trying to meet people, there isn’t a standard routine to life right now. It’s the nature of the season that I’m in.
All that to say, I’m in California. And it’s been pretty great. Despite my internal struggles that God continues to work with me on, we’ve met some amazing welcoming and warm people. Sunday I sat with two girls at church who immediately cracked up when I referenced an episode of Parks and Rec. I’ve met a few friends through Bumble (long story; might post about it later; spoiler alert: I’m an awkward dater and that’s old news) who are super cool and want to do crazy hikes with me. I’ve connected with my cousin and took a Caribbean dance class where I learned a dance sequence I forgot 5 minutes after the class. My current job is already expanding my position based on the potential they see in me. I’ve loved getting to learn the city; its vibe, its traffic, and its people. And right now as I sit at the dining table at our temporary home, “Danza Kuduro” is playing in the background. What more could I ask for? lol
Anyway, I guess I’m writing this to let you know I’m alive and I’m human.
And hopefully, I’ll be able to put into words some of the experiences we have here.
Until then next time!
p.s. i just realized the title is misleading. Thats the name of a song by Tupac. lol