Was it worth it to continually pour myself out in service of others? I wanted to write a post to summarize the last ten years on my birthday but hesitated because this wasn’t a question I could even answer for myself. To be honest, up until yesterday, I was leaning towards no. No, it’s not worth it. It’s too much.
When Ahmaud Arbery was murdered on what should have been a routine run, when Breonna Taylor was murdered in her sleep by a bullet she couldn’t see coming, when George Floyd was strangled in broad daylight in a busy street, I could not uphold the strong tower image I had created around racism and its effect on me and my family. So I didn’t.
I knew this feeling. I could feel my machine-like legs begin to tense as my big toe dug into the bottom of my shoe as if it we’re collecting all the energy I possibly stored in my form. With a deep breath I tightened my core while my mind instructed my body to convert potential energy into kinetic.
We met in the breakroom and exchanged playful jabs while expertly debating which breakfast beverage of choice was best: coffee or tea? I didn’t think he was anything extra special, I just thought he was funny and bold, a nice breath of fresh air from the guys I’d chosen to set my intentions on. And truth be told, I needed a Jack.*
And in that moment, when reality begins to hit, when the ground slows to stop,
Then and only then, do you begin to see the end of your hope?
Do you see the birth of your promise slain in the road?
7. Write a letter to your crush (a la To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before). It’s your choice to send it or not. Now, I’m not telling you to send it…but at the very least you’ve gotten those feelings out of you and onto paper. Just dont address and stamp it. You’ve been warned.
In that time, I started writing a book, started a new job, moved to a new apartment, and started serving in my church. And honestly it felt sooo good. I knew God had me right where I was made to be.
Que record scratch.
I write and perform poetry.
Well not really perform but mostly write.
I haven’t always been ready to share my poetry on this blog primarily because it usually doesn’t always follow a set structure so reading it can be a little dry. So I never mentioned it. That’s until July 2019 when I decided to record, shoot, and edit my poems into videos that you would be able to watch. After a lot of work, procrastination, and hyping myself up, I finally finished the video and would love to share my writing with you through video!
I waited for my daddy on our front porch, eager to etch his face in my memory. He had only been back home for two months, yet still I felt a determined urgency to study his face and link the person whom I loved in the corners of my mind for the past two years with the person in front of me. My brothers, Curtis and John, who were too young to really remember a time with dad, sat on the stoop comparing matchbox cars and fighting over the best piece of sidewalk to race them.
Last year I wrote a pretty solid list of 7 Things Post Twenty-five Singles Need Their Married Friends to Know. And to be honest, over the past year I’ve encountered so many different situations I feel there is so much more that needs to be addressed. So for all you millennial married folk, here are 7 more things we singles need you to know.
To be honest, I lived in regret for the next day or two wondering, “What if?” When I decided to leave regret, I was freed from it. But as soon as I decided to redeem the next step and work on my confidence, I grew from it.
There are things you need to know about 2019. If you’re anything like me, a reminder of these truths is nice every once in a while.
In the next split moment, I realized that although I didn’t currently want Him or feel compelled to change, I wanted to.
I’m living in California.
*que internal mix of excitement and fear*
I am an Instagram and Youtube junkie. Ironically, for as little as I post, it’s crazy how much time I spend on both apps. I’m not proud of this fact to be honest (to be honest even while writing this post I’ve picked up my phone 5 times without a definite purpose).
“I learned to love myself, I was able to finally sit down and think about what I wanted in my life- not what my family wanted, my boyfriend, my friends, but ME. What were my dreams and goals I didn’t even dare to think of accomplishing?”