Brittany and I became friends while working together for the same local non-profit agency. We connected for our love of each other’s style which slowly grew into a good friendship and long conversations about life on her living room sofa. Brit is ambitious, a talented photographer, lively, go-getter and will always laugh with you when you need it. So I was more than excited when she agreed to writ a guest post for the blog. If you want to see more from Brittany, stop by her IG page, Brittany Hurst.
I recently heard the saying, “anything under your best is a form of suffering,” and immediately the one thing that I feel most unsuccessful at popped in my head – dating.
I haven’t dated in 6.5 years. I used to form crushes on guys I barely knew(or didn’t know at all lol), and would feel a sense of rejection when I wasn’t seen or pursued by them. Don’t worry, I’m 26 now and I’ve learned that crushes are dumb!
I used to feel pressured by my friends who were dating or married – which led to awkward double dates and blind dates, and ultimately me not getting a call or text to hang out with the guy again. For years, I knew that I had something to offer but I couldn’t help the thoughts “maybe I’m not enough”, “I could lose 10 pounds”, “he has plenty of options”, or “I’m not desirable”.
I don’t easily fall for guys since I love being single and I’m waiting for the right person at the right time – so I could never figure out why my lack of a relationship felt like suffering.
And it finally dawned on me.
It’s the pattern of unsuccessful attempts that hurts me more than a guy suddenly disappearing out of my life. It’s the fact that I can come up with systems in a business, yet I struggle to figure out whether or not I use too many exclamation marks in a text to a guy.
I feel like over the years my married friends viewed me as the closed-off and perpetually single girl that doesn’t make room for a relationship, which could be true. But I think that my gut reaction to “freak out” when the thought of commitment got close was because I know exactly what I need, and I haven’t found it yet. Nor do I feel like “it” yet.
When I look at my dating mistakes in a practical way, I see why things never worked out. Some of it wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do – It would have never worked, or I wasn’t interested so my non-verbal language didn’t give the guy a green light. And IF a guy chose to not date me because he didn’t think I was “enough”, then I am SO glad that it never worked out, because I was enough then and I am enough now.
From a spiritual perspective, I see why God closed each of those doors. He has the right person at the right time, and he is working on both of our hearts so that we can recognize each other when we are ready.
Now, to all you single ladies, some of you have questioned why guys don’t approach you, or why they ghost you, or why you can’t seem to get past a 1st date. Sometimes you can’t figure out why you keep repeating the same patterns. Some of you have been single for 6 months, and some of you have never dated your entire life – but it almost hurts just the same for us all no matter how much time it has been.
My sense of suffering from singleness probably looks different than yours. Some of you really do long for a spouse soon. You desire it so much that your suffering is almost unbearable.
I’m not prescribing a fix to your suffering right now, but I am going to offer a new way of thinking. Instead of believing that you are unsuccessful in the dating game, start believing that are a very successful single person.
If dating is something that you haven’t grasped yet, but you have other areas in your life that you thrive in, start declaring them to yourself each day:
I am an amazing employee that knows how to organize and coordinate a business.
I have my own side hustle.
I pay my own bills.
I have my own dog.
I have incredible friends that love and support me.
I come from a great and loving family.
I am strong, independent, and beautiful.
I am exactly who God made me to be.
I fall short as a person in each of these areas, but I know I do my very best! Eventually, being a good girlfriend or wife can be added to this list, but that’s not reality at the moment. People always say “when you least expect it you will meet someone,” or “you will just know.” And somehow, I believe them. So take the pressure off of yourself and live your best life!