Aaron

I’ve found it increasingly hard to post on social media lately. That could be for a number of reasons but as I write with this burdened heart, I can’t deny that this post is at least part of the reason.

I’m weary.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of participating in cookie cutter, VSCO edited posts, cleverly hash-tagged posts with our current state of affairs. Don’t get me wrong, I often use Instagram as a paradise lost, a place to escape the 100-pound lead weight anchored to my heart. But the tension is like a three-stranded chord pulling at my soul and there is nothing I can do silence the ache.

I’m tired of explaining, no, trying to persuade people with eloquent speech or carefully calculated words, hoping that somehow, someone would begin to understand what it’s like to be black in America; hoping desperately that the repetition of my lips would be mimicked, repeated, and instilled in the one who listens.

I’m tired of looking back through my memories trying to find out how I learned about racism. Because then I realize that the little 4th grade girl was not oppressed or discriminated against. She was curious about history and her curiosity for knowledge lead her to notice a pattern in societies across the world. Every lesson in her social studies class, from the Mayans to the Sudanese, taught her that no one liked “the dark people.” That harsh realization left her little heart indescribably shattered with no knowledge on how to fix it.

I’m tired of being silenced or asked not to share my feelings by people, coworkers, friends, leaders, whomever. I often ask myself “Why am I just now seeing posts against racism now after years of mourning and loss in the black community?” I’m tired of people negating my opinions because I’m “basically white” or I’m not “black enough.” I’m especially tired of remembering my sister contemplate purchasing pepper spray “just in case.”

I’m weary. I’m tired.

And usually, I try to end my posts with some sort of resolution but there is none. I, along with thousands of others, have been trying to hold up my arms, hoping that we will see the Lord turn this battle.

And I’m praying for an Aaron; a friend who will uphold my weary arms.

Exodus 17:9-12

5 Comments

  1. Hi Sophie!!! Okay so I read your excerpt and its so raw, so real, like the writer you are
    and I just really felt like I needed to tell you this.
    I’ve been reading in 1 Kings 19. Elijah says “I’ve had enough Lord”
    and personally, I’ve been tired too. weary. for different things than you
    and Elijah was tired too of all the evil around him and he was zealous for people to know God, to turn from their evil ways
    and the Lord has been using that story to minister to me tremendously because he appears to Elijah in that gentle whisper
    and He’s been showing me that He is working quietly but powerfully; not through fire or earthquakes or winds
    In my life, I’m surrounded by people who do not care to know God, people with very hard hearts
    but today, I had lunch with my little brother and told him stories from the Bible and he couldn’t get enough “more more more,” he asks me. And I heard and felt God.
    So I’m praying for you Sophie, because he doesn’t belittle your suffering
    and I hope you find the comfort I did in that story… ❤

    Right now, he is working in the hearts of men, quietly but powerfully… and one day, all the loud noises surrounding you of racism will be drowned out by a roar of multitudes, a roar that sounds like thunder because every tribe, tongue, and nation will be worshiping the Lord, and that's the sound we'll hear forever and forever.

    Love ya! Hope you encounter the Lord tonight ❤

    Like

  2. I 100% agree. I want you to know that I got you, I know exactly where you are coming from, and I am so proud of you for speaking up! The Lord has me re evaluating my friendships.

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    1. Thanks Majesty! I know its hard and i can relate to you on so many levels. Literally the reason why i don’t know if i could get through without Jesus. I pray that even in our frustration that we would continually love deeply despite all that goes on around us. Love you girl!

      Like

  3. Like I said already. This. This is everything my heart has been saying but my mouth couldn’t articulate. I’m your Aaron. ♥️

    Like

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