The God I Love

Someone said something to me today and I cried.

It’s kind of a big deal. I don’t do that very often.

When the words left her mouth I was in shock. I didn’t realize how deep it cut me. In the few short sentences she spoke, she managed to show her little faith in me, her disappointment, her frustrations, and all that she believed about me but never had the guts to tell me directly.

The tears didn’t hit me immediately. After the words were so carelessly thrown, I continued with life: I finished my research for grad schools, I wrote a blog post, I studied for my psychology exam, the day went on. Four hours later I crossed her path again and thats when it hit me. It was if I walked straight into a wall of emotions. I hummed a tune to myself to keep the tears at bay until I could find a place where she couldn’t see me cry. “You won’t relent until you have it all. My heart is yours,” I whispered the Jesus Culture song to myself to occupy my mind. As soon as I was alone I couldn’t pretend or hold it in anymore. I took up my guitar and sang through my tears.

After all I had learned this summer and the time I spent trying to be a strong follower of Christ who doesn’t let people’s words affect me or my purpose, I was reduced to tears and crawled into God’s arms like a baby.

I am still human. I pretend to be superhuman.

Although God has worked miracles in my life and has freed me from the lies I had believed before, words still hurt me. I’m healed but not indestructible.

I love how God reminds me of who he is. I seem to only look at him with one perspective usually depending on what I’m learning in my life at the time. But at the same God who calls out and calls up also a Father who is there on days like this. The days when I am not as confident, the days when I do get cut down, he is both my comforter and my strong tower. He is the General, urging me to charge and move forward but also the doctor who looks over my mental battle wounds with care. He is the same God that gives me strength to be the strong conqueror and the same God that I ran to in tears today. I cried today because someone hurt me but God, in all his greatness, took time to sit with me until I was ready to go back out and face the day. Thats the kind of God I love.

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