I left off sharing with you all how God finally pushed me to sing and push past the lies I believed. If you haven’t read part one you can read it HERE. This is Part 2 of my Journey.
As soon as worship session let out I was met by my sisters telling me of how my singing had affected them and how blessed they were from the experience. I didn’t know how to process this. I remember answering every comment with, “Really?” I would like to say my years of stage fright were conquered that day and I my fear of public singing was subject to a new found confidence in Christ but that wasn’t the case. When I returned, it was as if all the years of lies returned the moment I crossed the threshold of my dorm. As I reflected on that moment I began to find excuses and qualify every comment. I would tell myself that it was purely the work of the Spirit and they all heard wrong because they were in the moment. I convinced myself it was a fluke. So as time passed it became easier to ignore what God did in me that day and chalk it up to a big ruse.
Months later, my friend Holly brought up that moment while driving to church. “It was so amazing,” she said “Oh and then Sophie when you sang that song… I was already on my face from worship and you sang and I burst into tears. You have a beautiful voice. Its a gift from God.” I was so frustrated and had so much tension built up over this whole singing thing I replied with, “You know what Holly, I really think you remembered it better than it actually was.”
“Oh no! I remember it fine. You were great. Speaking of which, there is a song I heard and I think you should sing it at chapter next week. Its sooooo good and…” On and on she went trying to convince me to sing again but I just shrugged while inside I was crying for her to believe I was horrible.
Fear is such a crippling thing. It’s like a jail cell without guards, door unlocked. and hinges wide open. There is nothing stopping you from leaving. You sit in the cell wanting to break free but instead of stepping out becoming vulnerable to the world, you close the door and convince yourself that this cell, the same cell you hate, is what’s good. I had become so scared of putting myself in any vulnerable position that I wished everyone would think I was horrible. At least that way I wouldn’t have any sort of hope and I could finally crush the tiny spark inside of me that fell in love with worship. Deep down I knew I wanted to freely worship more than anything and I knew God was whispering to me that this is what he made me for. Those whispers were infinitely more powerful that the lies. I wanted to believe them but I knew it was just a matter of time before reality set in and I would see myself for what I truly was. There was no point in entertaining the notion if I was just going to be disappointed later. So I pushed that voice deeper.
Through a series of weird events I became the worship leader for our sorority the next year. God’s plan of pursuit started fall 2010. That year he started to strip me to the point where it was no longer about my singing but about me trusting him. Like a child learning to swim, he guided me and beckoned me deeper. I would take one step forward then look for something to hold onto just incase this didn’t work out. I kept actively trying to thwart his plans by always letting others take the lead and never leading myself. And each time I tried to revert, He made it impossible for me to try the same tricks again. Our lead singer graduated and slowly our musicians and other singers dropped out because of school engagements until it was just me and my friend Elzi, a brand new guitarist.
That first Sunday I had a sore throat, was verge of losing my voice, and had no one for backup and no way to cop out. It was me and a guitar. I started to sing, shaky at first. But as I continued singing I decided I didn’t care anymore and just gave it my all. I was just an usher and that’s all I focused on. Not my voice or what I thought they were thinking. Through that semester I began to realize that even though I wasn’t the next Darlene Zschech, God still wanted to use me. I did not have the voice of an angel and that’s not what he wanted from me. He wanted me, imperfections and all, so that He could display himself through me. He wanted me to be the instrument and His Spirit to be the music. 2 Corinthians 9:12 says, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” I had come to understand why God had put such a strong call on my heart for worship. It was because that’s where He wanted to reside to show his power. I began to shift my perspective from a story about me and my abilities to a story about God and His purpose…
PART 3 COMING SOON!