I have always intended this blog to be a place where I could be honest about my life and provide encouraging uplifting content. I have always wanted to be completely transparent. And I plan to stick to that goal. Lately God has been working in me about true surrender and what that looks like. This is my story of surrender that has been in the making for most of my life. This is my journey.
As a child I always loved music and its been an integral part of my life. I sang along with our bible cassettes on car rides. I started taking piano lessons in 1st grade. I started playing flute in 4th and cello in 6th. I listened to countless Broadway musical tracks and would memorize the songs to sing at a moments notice. I became passionate in studying flute in middle school were I was the only 7th grade flutist to make it into our towns honor band. I auditioned and was accepted to Dreyfoos School of the Arts for vocal performance. I turned that down to join the JHS marching warriors. I worked my way up from concert band to wind ensemble. I was Flute section leader and band President and got my first standing ovation for a solo performance my senior year. Despite this music has always been the area of most conflict in my life.
I think we all are told lies when we are young that we grow up believing until God brings someone or something to change our perspective. I know now that God began planting seeds for me to serve him through worship, through singing. But I believed from a young age that I could not sing. Spontaneous jabs and unintentional remarks by close friends or family lead me to believe I had no talent whatsoever. Still, I had a passion to sing and if I wasn’t good enough for others to hear I would sing to myself secretly hoping that one day, someone would discover my hidden talent and prove me right. This is how I lived my life for years.
As I got older the conviction of an all knowing talent scout vanished and I started to believe the lies I heard. “Yea I got into Dreyfoos but that was a fluke,” I would tell myself. Every time I got any sort of positive affirmation for my singing I would immediately dismiss and discredit the compliment. I began to hide behind my flute to enjoy music in public instead of embracing what my whole being was yearning for. It was a huge internal struggle. Every so often I would slip up and sing in public only to immediately stop and laugh it off. I didn’t know at the time but God had so much more planned for me and was staging a coup. He was plotting to take over my voice.
I entered college in 2009 still unsure of what I my purpose was and still hiding. I joined a Christian sorority and the first year was immediately taken by the worship. I would sing out in a group but never on my own. That fall at chapter retreat, in the middle of our night of worship I interrupted the flow to announce that I had to sing. I had so much pressure inside me that had to be released. I took the mic, closed my eyes, and began to sing, “Lord, Yes I’ve sinned but you’re still calling my name.” As the last note rang, I opened my eyes to a startlingly quiet room full of sisters staring at me. I put the mic down and went back to my seat. “What the heck just happened?!” I just sang in front of 60 girls, without music or anything for that matter. Stunned by how the Spirit compelled me to do such a thing I sat there actively pushing away the doubts and lies I had believed for years just to enjoy this little, beautiful moment of victory. I was where God wanted me to be…
PART 2 COMING SOON!