I realized a while ago that it has been a while since I’ve had a crush on someone. Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate God’s work when an attractive man walks by (lol) but I haven’t had that weird girly flutter thing or the “i-wanna-be-around-you-all-the-time” smiles in almost two years. I distinctly remember the last person I felt that way about, and even though it never amounted to anything I cant help but wonder if I’m the same carefree person I used to be. Its weird. I have never been the starstruck, love crossed teen. I never had a celebrity crush, I never obsessed over the new cute boy, or wrote my name next to his last name just to see them together. I feel like when I say this I’m making myself sound like some kind of anomaly but just to be clear, I did notice guys, and I honestly can only think of one person I liked so much to mention it to my sister, but in all honesty, I prided myself in being a boy’s girl. I was the chill cool one when all the other girls were screaming and giggling. I avoided drama at all costs and even when people sought me out to drag me into it, I always, very bluntly, put it to an end.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the weird one out. I cant really ever discuss guys with my friends because I have only seriously liked one guy. i often wonder if because of my past I’m missing something that has yet to be restored. I think part of it is that I have lived a huge chunk of my life in so much fear of men. I would walk down the street with my phone dialed 9-1-1. If anyone guy looked at me in a way that made me uncomfortable I would have a mini freak out in my head and dig into my backpack for a sharpened pencil for protection. No one was immune. Even the some of the men at my church stirred fear in me. I would greet them out of courtesy but silently screaming for my sister, or brother or whomever I was walking with, not to leave me. If anyone touched me my skin crawled and it took more than a quick minute to become friends with many of my current friends in youth. Not only that but I started believing lies about myself, my appearance, and what I meant in this world.
But, one of the greatest stories of freedom and salvation in my life has been that release of fear that paralyzed me. God has restored me. He restored me physically, mentally, and spiritually. I no longer walk in fear but in light and truth. So yeah, I might be the oddball out and cant really keep a conversation when it comes to guys but God has brought me through so much and I’m sure he will send me someone who will get past my initial awkwardness and into God in me. And if i never meet the “man of my dreams,” I know that God will love me just as much as he did before. I hate to say this because it goes against every fiber of my girlish being, but I think I would be okay just me and God for life.
Quiet ramblings of my mind…