Believing in Goodbye

It’s hard leaving. It’s hard to turn away and start over. I have become so attached and invested in the people in my life. I have finally seen what true friendship is. I know the love of a friend in Christ. I find it hard to press on and put such a huge distance between myself and what has been so close to my heart for the past year and a half. I cling to what I want to have. I cling to what was once good. I hold on until the point of madness. Sometimes, I wonder if I would be better off not experiencing any of this: joy, community, comfort. Maybe it would make goodbye easier. But if I try to imagine my life without the impact these kind souls have had upon me it brings greater sadness.

It seems as soon as I get comfortable in my surroundings God says “Get up. Let’s walk.” We go on a journey filled with God’s goodness but always echoed with loneliness. I think that’s why I tend to hold on with such fierceness to the tangible evidences of God’s love because I fear I won’t be able to see him without it. I won’t love him like I do. I don’t let go of the things that have guided me. It’s hard to know exactly where you’re going when you’re walking alone. I forget I’m not alone.

I rely on my sight all too much; both my physical sight and my spiritual sight. But that in definition is not faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. In the effort of trying to cling to God and his righteous will in my life, I have stopped at just signs of his love and have not dared to look at his face as if when I look away, what he has given me won’t be there; as if the signs are what really matter rather than what they are pointing to. Realizing signs are a pale imitation of the glory of God is heart wrenching. I don’t know anything else and believing in this God of Love is so beyond my sphere of comprehension. So what I think is my heart breaking is only growing pains. God prunes the branches which are dead and breathes life into new ones. And as he clips away everything that makes me less like Christ, I become more like the One who taught me the most unfathomable things like compassion, friendship and love.

So as I continue to seek out God’s will, I also labor against my flesh to fix my eyes upon Jesus. I’ll cling to the cross the one permanent evidence of his love for me; the place where his love was shown with such power and beauty. So I continue on. As he molds me I let go of things I felt gave me meaning. I learn to believe in goodbye.